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Sabía que estaba todo medio jede. No es que me importe mucho la política pero con apenas mirar la televisión alcanzó para saber que se estaba pudriendo y, sino, no se podía entender de otra manera el mambo de los yankees que andan con ametralladoras por la calle y se metieron al Capitolio para frenar la asunción del nuevo presidente, o algo así, creo. No sé. Me di cuenta de que el mundo se estaba volviendo loco y la verdad estaba un poco podrida de estar hace tanto sin laburo, sin cobrar el IFE, sin nada. No tengo hijos, aclaro, pero bueno, tengo dignidad y la de vivir de mis viejos ya no va. Diez lucas de alquiler, ¿cómo las pagas?
No había mandado CV porque me daba paja hacerlos, salir a repartirlos, tener que cruzarse tanta gente. Uso barbijo y me cuido del COVID, ojo, no me como ni el verso del encierro eterno pero mucho menos eso de que la pandemia ya fue. Por algo se están vacunando en todo el mundo. Pero bueno, sabía que en ese bar estaban buscando camarera y me mandé.
No me vestí tan bien, o sea, no tan glamourusa, ni tan puta tampoco. Apenas una calza negra con una tanga también negra que apenas se marcaba pero no era alevosa. Una remerita relativamente corta que dejaba ver el ombligo solo si me inclinaba. Nada fuera de lo normal, lo mismo que las zapatillas Nike blancas nada llamativas. Elegante sport, algo así. Nada de tacos. O sea, iba a buscar laburo, ni da regalarse frente al que te va mirar con una sonrisa, te contrata porque tenes buenas tetas pero, después, te hace limpiar hasta la mierda de los baños por dos pesos mientras contrata a otra 90-60-90 pensando que te vas a calentar mientras chapan adelante tuyo y te piden que el inodoro quede impecable.
En fin, llegué al resto y me atendió la encargada. Le dije que había leído el cartel de búsqueda laboral y me pidió el CV. «No traje», le dije, «el CV soy yo». Y me miró sorprendida. Creo que no se esperaba una respuesta así. Se quedó atónita y me dijo «pasá».
Y allí estaba, el Señor, el todopoderoso fumando de su Phillip Morris, con el partido de la Champions League de fondo y haciendo de cuenta que modificaba los números de un Excel en la PC de escritorio. Una escena más repetida que el capítulo en el que el Bart se roba el videojuego de la tienda de juguetes, un capítulo que, por cierto, Telefé no paraba de repetir para adoctrinarnos en el pecado que significa saquear una juguetería, otro clásico post 2001.
«Viene por el puesto», dice ella. Y él me mira. Primero, a la cara, a los ojos en realidad porque ni en pedo me sacaba el barbijo. Y me dice, «¿cómo vas a hacer para trabajar ocho horas con eso pueso?». «Eso». Sí, eso, cómo si fuese una cosa tan hermosa de usar, un pedazo de tela de mala calidad que te corta la respiración y te prohíbe escupirle la geta a los giles como él. «Me la aguanto, no sé», le respondí. Salió de mí, como por arte espontáneo.
Y gol del Barcelona. Se lo perdió pero miró toda la repetición como si yo no existiese.
«Paso un segundo al baño», le dije. No me dio el ok, pero bueno, no era primer grado y no iba a pedir permiso para ir a mear. Claro que no fui al baño de su oficina sino que me metí en el que decía «exclusivo para el personal». Estaba limpio, por suerte. Se ve que tienen varios empleados de limpieza. Hice pis, con unas ganas bárbaras. Cuando me agacho a agarrar el papel vi un sticker pegado. «Basta de explotación y maltrato», rezaba. «Trabajadores gastronímicos de Palermo Soho», lo firmaban. Los busqué en Facebook. Eran casi todas minas que, como yo, laburaban hacía años de meseras y estaban podridas de los gritos y la humillación, pedían que el salario no dependa de las propinas o la voluntad de los clientes que habían disminuido por efecto de la pandemia y que se respeten los horarios de trabajo. Además, decían, en ningun lugar se estaban respetando los protocolos y varias habían caído en internación por COVID. Un espanto, lo sé, pero nada que no haya visto antes.
Me entusiasmó más este cartel que todo lo demás, que el salario que no eran tan malo o lo impecable que estaba el bar. Se trataba de algo nuevo para mí. Tantos años en el rubro pero nunca había escuchado que las meseras se hayan organizado de esa manera. Le di like a su página de Facebook y de inmediato le cambié el nombre a mi cuenta por uno trucho, no sea cuenta de que el jefecito note que me llamaba la atención la subversión.
Como siempre, si algo te gusta, te da la moral que necesitas para afrontar nuevos momentos.
Años de experiencia me habían enseñado que una tanga bien clavada y un poco a la vista es la debilidad hasta de aquellos dueños de bares que se hacen los zotas y miran para otro lado cuando te entrevistan. No fue el caso. Quería ese trabajo para probar unos días y ver qué onda eso de las camareras haciendo paros. No sé, fue como un shock artístico, las ame al instante.
Saqué un poquito la tanga afuera y la metí bien adentro de la cola. Levante la remera, todo bien disimulado. Pero, ya que iba a regalarme, ajusté todavía más el barbijo y me reventé las manos de alcohol en gel. Obvio, además, que él no tenía barbijo.
Cuando entré de nuevo a la oficina, él seguía compenetrado en el partido. Tocí barbijo adentro y se dio vuelta. Abrió los ojos, me miro de arriba a abajo y me dijo que el lunes empezaba a laburar. Así si más, el poder de una tanga bien puesta.
Me fui rápido y contacté a las meseras de Palermo. Les dije que apoyaba su lucha. Me contaron que una compañera trabajaba en el mismo bar que yo y me pasaron su número. Me contó lo desagradable que era el jefe y nos reímos hasta el cansancio contando anécdotas de otros tiempos. Nos comprometimos a juntarnos a tomar mate para poder convencer a todo el resto del restaurant de luchar para que se respeten los protocolos porque varios ya habían caído enfermos. Ella, una divina, yo, la de siempre, una provocadora serial que le encantan los desafíos.
En fin, son las épocas que nos toca vivir.
451 respuestas a «Le mostré la tanga y me contrató»
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